mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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