I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
