1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
