I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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