Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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