The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
whose parrot is this?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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