fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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