she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
