walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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