Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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