How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize