I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
