she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
