I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My vagina is very pro this idea
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
