The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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