When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
