i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
