i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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