My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
