that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
