Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
