Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
