ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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