i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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