Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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