The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
