Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
