Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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