I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I looked at my own cervix.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i dont even know how to be here
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
