I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
