And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
