...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
