Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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