I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
