Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You're completely useless in the revolution.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
