i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
