I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
