So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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