I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize