im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
