Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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