I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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