I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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