Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
