The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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