Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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