alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
