what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
