The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Someone signed my nipple.
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