I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
