Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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