I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
