i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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