i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
