Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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