he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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