ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
