bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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