I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
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Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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