imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
