i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
operation harelip BJ is a go
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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