Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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